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I Heard The Roar

I will never leave you and I will never abandon you. - Hebrews 13:5

I realize it has been many weeks since I have written anything. I have struggled to have energy to write, and I have struggled to have anything positive to say due to my recent circumstances. God has been nudging me to write just as I am (a mess), so here I am, writing from a difficult and dark place.

My oldest son (who is eleven) was adopted as an infant. I love my son and know he is a gift from God. I am often reminded of the many ways God has shown us that he was meant to be part of our family. He was diagnosed with Autism at age five. It has been a difficult road all along, but we were managing, with much joy and laughter mixed in with the hard. And then several months ago, everything changed. Mental illness has been brought into the picture, and our world has been turned upside down. Everything feels out of control and unknown. Our path is no longer lit up, but dark and uncertain. I can’t see one step in front of me. Fear tries to lead and I often let it.

And the questions come. Do I believe God is still good when everything feels so bad? Do I believe He is with us when I cannot see any evidence that He is working?

I was crying out to the Lord, begging Him to show me where He was in all of this. I opened my Bible to Psalm 18:

In my distress I called to the Lord; I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears. The earth trembled and quaked, and the foundations of the mountains shook; they trembled because he was angry. The Lord thundered from heaven; the voice of the Most High resounded. He shot his arrows and scattered the enemies, great bolts of lightning and routed them. He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the Lord was my support. He brought me out into a spacious place, he rescued me because he delighted in me. - Psalm 18:6-7, 13-14, 16-19

I feel this was meant for me to read, a promise from God. I am still waiting for His rescue, but He has heard my cry for help. He has heard the desperate cries from our family and friends for help for our child.

Do I trust Him in the waiting? It feels so hard, so senseless. Do I believe God can take any situation and bring good from it? My faith hasn’t ever been tested to this extreme before. Mental illness, Lord? What good can come from that? The questions are hard and complex, and there are not many answers.

I saw this on Facebook last night and it brought me a bit of comfort…

When I’m afraid I sometimes resist trusting God. I want to see my circumstances change. Maybe God wants ME to change. To be less fearful. More faith-filled. Trusting without seeing solutions is hard. But that’s the fertile soil where faith grows. God has shown me over and over He can be trusted. So, He will be faithful this time too. I have to stop resisting the process…stop being dismayed…and rest assured God is with me. - Lysa TerKeurst

Trusting without seeing solutions is so hard for me. There is no plan B here. I don’t even have a plan A. Only darkness ahead, I can’t see…like driving in the dark with dense fog.

These thoughts brought me to a point of despair over the last week. Again, I was crying out to God for help, for any offering of hope He could give me.

And then I heard a song that brought me such peace…I felt God’s love and grace pouring over me.

The Roar by Chris Tomlin

I waited for the Lord
He turned and heard my cry
His mercy opened up my eyes
When I couldn’t see and my strength was failing me

I waited for the Lord
He appeared in blinding light
He led me through the darkest night
When I couldn’t see and my strength was failing me

I heard the roar of the lion of Judah
I heard the voice that calms the raging sea
He came to me, came to me
When I needed the Lord
I heard the roar of the lion of Judah

I lifted my hands
He lifted me out
All praise to the Savior, all worship to God
With all that I am
With all in my heart
All praise to the Savior, all worship to God

I heard the roar of the lion of Judah…

And there was the answer….when I cannot see even ONE step in front of me, it’s okay as long as I can hear His roar.

He IS coming to help us, to help my son. He will never abandon us, and He will take out the enemy when it is time. I will not quit when everything in me screams to quit. I will wait for Him. It will be so hard, but I will wait.

And for today it is enough.

Lord, today I choose to trust that you are close enough to me that I can still hear your roar. I choose to trust that you are working out a plan that is good, even if it looks terrible from my view. I love you and I’m so grateful you fight for me, for my family, and for my dear son. You love him even more than I do. Give us courage to raise our hands in worship to you, and when it’s time, you will grab those raised hands and lift us out of deep, dark waters. Amen.

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If you are an imperfect wife, mom, daughter, or friend, struggling to stay focused on God in the craziness and find joy in the heartache, then we have something in common. I am a recovering perfectionist and daughter of the King, slowly learning to fully trust the One who sees me just as I am, and is already pleased. I’m so glad you are here.

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