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Wednesday, October 4, 2017

You Meet Us, Even Here On The Floor

Tears stream down my face as I find myself yet again face down on the floor in my bathroom. Lord, when? Lord, do you hear my cry for mercy for my son? Lord, when will you heal his mind? When can he come home whole and well again?

A verse immediately comes to mind as I lay on the floor...
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. - Psalm 34:18

Peace fills my heart, mixed in with the pain. I grab my Bible because it feels comforting...

I open to Isaiah 53:

Surely he took up our pain and bore our suffering, yet we considered him punished by God, stricken by him, and afflicted. But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed. - Isaiah 53:4-5 (NIV)

I think of Jesus, nailed to the cross for my sin. I think of him, stricken and broken, so my (and my son’s) wounds could be healed, whether in this life or in eternity someday with Jesus. I can only begin to picture the unimaginable suffering my Savior endured for me, and for you. The truth washed over me freshly...
I serve a King who understands my suffering. I serve a King who sees me, who sees my son, and loves us deeply. I serve a King who is so near to me when I’m hurting. This King is also my Father. And He is good.

God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. - 1 John 1:5

He has no dark side. Only goodness and Light.

I feel so vulnerable there on the floor. Can I trust Him with my hurt yet again? Even when I don’t understand this plan?

I think of my daughter Kendyl. She’s six years old and for several years, she has looked for any excuse to have a bandaid. She loves them and so she’ll put them on anything, even the smallest little cuts. The problem is she doesn’t ever want to take them off. She gets scared that it’s going to hurt too much. And if I’m not watching, she’ll leave them on for days, until the bandaid is covered in dirt and the wound is actually infected and seeping.

I realize that I often act that way with my hurts toward God. It feels too risky to lay my hurts before Him, and so I close my broken heart up again, letting my wounds remain unattended. And before I know it, the wound is infected and seeping, and causing all kinds of bondage in me. Bitterness and doubt, and so much fear springs up. And the enemy takes full advantage of this, and often helps me quickly jump into a pit of despair and discouragement.

I start to pray again...

Tammy, the Shepherd knows where to find you. And He knows where to find Ethan.

I smile through my tears as I remember the huge encouragement God gave me several months ago. I remember the picture of the Shepherd, gently pulling the lamb out of the brambles he had gotten stuck in.

"The Rescue" - By Nathan Greene

 

“I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep.” - Jesus (John 10:11)

This reminder of his faithfulness washes over me. I can trust Him with my hurting heart. I can trust him with my son. My heart surrenders once again, and I feel peace... and rest.

As I pull myself up into a sitting position in my bathroom, a piece of paper falls out of my Bible. I look at the words written there:

“I never knew you lived so close to the floor. But every time I am bowed down, crushed by this weight of grief, I feel your hand on my head, your breath on my cheek, your tears on my neck. You never tell me to pull myself together, to stem the flow of many tears. You simply stay by my side for as long as it takes, so close to the floor.”(1)

And I praise my Father once again for his Presence with me in the dark...a knowing deep in my heart that no matter what I’m feeling and expressing, he is there, comforting me and mourning with me. That no matter how low to the floor I get (or for how long), I will find his love for me there. That he is Sovereign over all things and I can trust him, because he’s also my Dad.

But now, this is what the Lord says- he who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior...Isaiah 43:1-3

 

Source:
- Sheila Walsh, Loved Back To Life! How I Found The Courage To Live Free.

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If you are an imperfect wife, mom, daughter, or friend, struggling to stay focused on God in the craziness and find joy in the heartache, then we have something in common. I am a recovering perfectionist and daughter of the King, slowly learning to fully trust the One who sees me just as I am, and is already pleased. I’m so glad you are here.

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